Tue, Nov 27, 2012 at 5:25 PM
Picking Myself Up
I'm watching you walk away. I'm tearing up, my emotions in turmoil. I'm remembering all our beautiful memories. I'm reliving every second we had together, inside my head. I'm no longer smiling. I'm expressing my feelings with a pen. I'm wiping off the little droplets on the pages of my diary. I'm torturing myself with sad, sad songs. I'm distracting myself with razor blades. I'm choking on my tears, suffocating. I'm muffling my own screams under my pillow. I'm over-thinking, wondering what went wrong. I'm losing myself, drowning in my sorrow and self-pity. I'm losing my own friends, isolating myself from my social circle. I'm pushing them away, for they remind me of the happiness I had with you. I'm waking up everyday without a meaning to life anymore. I'm walking down the school hallway aimlessly. I'm peeking into the mirror and a pair of dull, lifeless eyes are peeking back at me. I'm noticing the emptiness of the space next to me, usually reserved for you. I'm filling, wasting my time with thoughts of you. I'm trying to convince myself I've done nothing wrong. I'm failing at that. I'm wincing at how slowly time is passing by me. I'm angry at how little you seem to care. I'm throwing tantrums by myself in my room, taking it out on my blanket. I'm getting tired of putting up with myself. I'm worrying about the wrinkles I might develop over time. I'm wondering if you ever think of me too. I'm wishing you did. I'm hoping one day you'll look back in regret. I'm narrowing my eyes at my subconscious self. I'm analyzing my thoughts, realizing that I have grown numb to the pain. I'm convincing myself that if you were the one for me, you would still be loving me. I'm muttering under my breath, saying I deserve somebody less perfect. I'm accepting the fact I am unworthy of such perfection. I'm understanding that I have made too many sins in my life to deserve somebody with such an abundant amount of good deeds. I'm waking up now with this newfound knowledge and acceptance of what I really deserve. I'm seeing myself in a new light, knowing where I stand. I'm realizing it was a bad idea in the first place. I'm listening to myself, and scoffing at my foolishness. I'm rolling my eyes at my ridiculousness. I'm growing up, passing a milestone of my teenage life, a necessary phase. I'm maturing. I'm picking up the pieces of my heart that you've strewn all over the floor. I'm gluing myself back together. I'm learning the ways of living without a goodnight text message every night. I'm shedding a last tear as I delete the last few messages from you. I'm giving you one last thought. I'm smiling. I'm moving on. I'm gone.